I can't cry, and I can't see what I've done. Oh God, What Have I Done?

really?...

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 04:32:59 GMT

you didn't really just say that did you?

you didn't really just say what i think you just said and expect me not to feel like complete and utter cow dung?

you didn't really think that you could get away with saying that after the way you acted when i had someone in my life did you?

wait... really?

i didn't know that brutal honesty could be so... brutal

it's a long time.

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 04:28:00 GMT

what the HELL is wrong with my computer!?
::fumes::

thought processing time.

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 13:49:33 GMT

i am so stressed out, but in reality i have almost nothing to be stressed about.
like... i was stressed about theory all summer, but not anymore.
then i was stressed about west side dancing in character shoes all summer.
then i was stressed about biloxi and learning my lines, and now i know all of my lines.
and i don't really have anything to be stressed about, but that makes me stressed out because i know i haven't really existed without stress in years and it makes me feel like i must be forgetting something. maybe i'm just paranoid - well, i mean, obviously i'm paranoid but maybe that's all i am.

well, the past few days have had had their share.
sometimes i feel like when you write about something it looses it's... credibility.
it's not as nice when you blow it up and spread around how nice it is to the whole world.
...but maybe i should have. maybe that's what was missing.

but credibility doesn't matter when you're too much of an ass, and your life is too complicated to just stick with anything good.

i always think about the future, and plan my career and my love life.
like... 'ashley met _______ in her senior year in high school and there was an instant connection.' but i think about it too much. and i've missed every window of opportunity ever thrown my way. for example- i'm going into senior year single, and i'm probably coming out of it single. i'm going to be that girl that no body dates because i don't have time for anything. and because nothing about me can't keep another person happy long enough for them to stay. and because i can't keep myself happy long enough to stay with another person.
i don't audition in the city, even though, if i actually wanted to do something with my life i would have had to start auditioning years ago. i find auditions in the city that i'm not qualified for and i plan on going to them and then i don't because i'm not qualified for them. but then where's the time to make something of yourself when you're jumping from community theater show to community theater show.

ok.
here's what i think.

i think it's about time for me to be 16.
to sit in a classroom and retain information about philosophy and music theory.
to go to the school drama and school musical rehearsal and do whatever i'll be doing.
to come home and do social studies and spanish homework.
to finish up and go to class at gateway or to work.
to take drivers ed (haha. i should probably really do that in a serious way)
maybe that's what i need. maybe i need to be a busy high school student who focuses all of her effort on high school, and high school related activities.
maybe i just need to focus on what's here and now and NOT what's letter.
maybe i need to not obsess and to just "be"
i will find an opportunity at some point that is perfect for me.
there has to be something.

i'm done.
my entries make less and less sense as each day goes by.

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 00:24:33 GMT

going to the school today made me feel so many different things. all of which different - none of which particularly good.

i saw and said hello to people i don't really know, and wouldn't normally say hi to.
i fumbled in conversation with people who, to this day, still intimidate me.
i helped mrs. reinhart ruin the english department in an effort to follow in the footsteps of a woman whose footsteps she should not even hope to follow.
i felt just as small as the first time i had set foot inside those doors.
i realized i'm alot shorter then i think.
i saw 11th graders i never wanted to see again.
i realized and fully comprehending the fact that i am a senior.
and i decided that for as musically capable as my year is, i know i don't feel even close to as accelerated as the seniors i delt with last year.
i'm worried about the drama, and how it will come together.
and i'm also worried about the musical and what it's going to be.
i've realized that without lauren houdek, and stacey, mr. randazzo, and ms. sweda, brett, and my little loves like allen davidson - i'm not going to be able to survive this year.
there are just too many people.
and i am just not big enough to be a senior.
i don't have it in me.
i saw ryan when i dropped stacey off.
i'm so glad i have her, she is just wonderful.
he made the call me hand sign, but didn't actually say hello. i shook my head yes, knowing that i would probably think about it and debate it more then i have ever thought about or debated anything and never actually call him.
needless to say, i have thought about it, and the only way i would even consider it is if i was entirely sure that i would get his voice mail. but the odds are against me and thus in the end i will not call him.
honestly, i don't even know if i want to be his friend. i mean, not if i want to, because i obviously i want to or i wouldn't obsess about it so much. but i don't know if i could handle it.

west side is over, and the comfort level i had maintained throughout the entire summer is gone.
besides crucible i had never been so emotionally involved with a cast.
i miss nick and simone, and their ways... the way they "be" if i may be so bold.
i miss brett, even though i know i'm going to see him like tomorrow.
and i really miss micheal, and gabriella. She was the first friend I made in this cast, and the only straight girl i felt I could make a serious and strong connection with. She's so real. She's so real she actually makes me consider reality. And Micheal was just the most amazing human being I ever got to know.
Then Craig, fucking Craig. The first person I've ever delt with on stage who was actually more concerned about my behind the scenes life. Even though he was probably high every night.

It was definately an unforgettable experience.

All My Sons.
This years drama. I'm pumped, I'm worried, I'm nervous, and I'm excited all at once. ::sigh::

Alright.
Dad and Riley are in Baltimore again visiting my grandpa
But I don't know where the rest of my family is, and I have to find them.
Bye!

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 03:56:51 GMT

i do this now ang again...
recently about every 90 seconds.

think.

i don't understand why brain is working so far over drive.

i'm sitting here eating alphabits at 11:30 in sweaty stockings and lollies thinking about life, and everything.

i went from being ridiculously excited about cutting my hair, to being ridiculously scared in a matter of like two seconds. to those of you who don't know me you probably think it's just a little change. but those of you who do, know that it's not. it's me having absolutely no control over the rest of my life and needing to drastically change the one thing i can. if ever i'm severly depressed, or like lost - i cut my hair. seriously - look at the past times in history that i've done it. when robbie and i started going haywire, then after we broke up, then right after ryan broke up with me. and now... god i don't even know what's wrong with me now - i just know something has got to change.

i'm torn over the ending of west side story.
i am so upset that it will be over tomorrow. Though Crucible takes the cake on being a family, this cast has been that in a much different way. Much, much different. But i'm also kind of glad it's over, because we've all been together so long, and i've never really been this open with so many people, and i don't know if i liked it. i don't know if i liked being myself and allowing myself to be known. i'm not sure i was entirely comfortable. Somehow i feel like Billy isn't the only person in the cast who really doesn't like me. Matter of fact i know it. and i dunno... i just... ::sigh::. I've been a little too much me for my own safety. Whatever. Done - moving on.

My stomache is like a giant pit since last night.
no, not a pit - more like a knot.
Or maybe...
A giant pit, with a knot right at the bottom.

I mean Jesus, Cassie? Really, though. Cassie?? Cassie could not have seriously left, that's just insane. And Kristen, and Mira, and Jaime, and freakin Tony. It's just soo much.
Take it from me, plan ahead.
Remember - the good times DO NOT last.

(ASIDE: i just sneezed alphabits out of my nose - anyway...)

You have to plan for your best friends walking out of your life.
You have to plan for it or it will hit you like a ton of bricks.
Like it did to me today.
Like it really will the first day of school in the chorus room.
Like it really will when we arrange the first tri-m event, or the first ptg meeting, or when we run for office in concert choir.
That's when i will realize
that there is no one else.

i'm so done right now.
in such a big way. ;)

college.

Sat, 28 Aug 2004 14:42:44 GMT

yesterday's good bye was a little more emotional then i had expected.

i don't think i'm ready to take on this sort of thing.

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 15:57:48 GMT

It's really taken the run of West Side Story for me to realize how much I enjoy theater, how much I love being on stage, and how much I would give to make it in this buisness.

I don't care about money. I can live off dirt, I can stand to live with my parents. I don't care about security, and part of me doesn't even want it. What I want is to be on Broadway. What I want is to bow after adam pascal. Which obviously will never happen.

I keep talking to Nick about it, and asking him how he got so far into the theater business. I don't know why I chose to ask him. It's actually quite embarassing - trying to ask Nick about it- knowing that he doesn't think much of my performing at all . But like... ah! I wish I didn't have to go to school, I wish I didn't have to just wait around for free time to come so that I can do something. I wish that I had the option to audition in the city tomorrow if I wanted to. But I don't have that option.

Hmph.

I love the theater.

Ok... So everyone is leaving this weekend, or has left already. And that's weird. This isn't really going to hit me for a while, I know it isn't. I mean right now... Sarah is not sitting in her parent-less house, and she's not about to drive over here for absolutely no reason what so ever. That's very strange. But I knew from the begining of the summer that I wasn't going to recognize that everyone had left until the first day of school when everyone should be hanging around in the chorus room. I hate to think I took for granted every morning. That chorus room holds so many memories of those people. Mira and her piano. All the random string players making up their four minute "lessons". The few times when Chris would come to school, and a grand hoopla would be made upon his entrance. Russell, and how well he dressed. Russell and Cassie constantly leaving to get "excersize". Ryan's orange scarf. Ryan's chord progressions. Daryl always being there, but me forgetting to ever actually get to know him, because lord knows i probably would have loved him to death. Sarah's bagels. Kristen and Jaime discussing homework from classes I always knew I would be too dumb to take. Jimmy and his bass, Ryan and his cello. Jimmy and his... cello? I don't think anything is going to feel so bad as when I walk in on Wednesday and the room is empty.

And then in a sad sort of way. I can't wait to fill it. I can't wait to get started on my last year. I can't wait to have no friends and actually be able to focus on philosophy, and on drawing and painting. I can't wait to be the tri-m president and actually follow in Mira's footsteps. And actualyl do soemthing positive for the group. I can't wait to be in not so hard classes, and to be able to think about something other then school work unlike last year. I'm excited to know that the best friend i will probably have in that school next year will be ms.sweda. I'm excited to do the musical, and the "insert other type of show here". I'm excited to be in acting workshop and probably music theory with Stacey Smith. I'm excited to be in concert choir with L.H. I'm just excited to fill the chorus room with new sounds, to be the last year that's really thrived in the music program and been known for it.

My feelings are mixed.
Good bye to everyone I love. I have complete faith you will all do well at... life.

shit.
i don't think i really want to be a senior.

You win some, You loose some.

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 03:56:10 GMT

i'm filled to the breaking point
but god only knows with what.

i am so upset right now...

Dear Ashley,

I would like to thank you for your recent audition at the CM Performing Arts Center for our up-coming production of CINDERELLA. The audition was not an easy undertaking.

At this time, I regret to inform you that I will not be able to use you in this production. I thank you for the time that you took to prepare for this audition and for your effort.

I have placed your name on our audition list so that we can keep you aware of future opportunities for auditions.

Sincerely,
Noel S. Ruiz
Executive Director

Wow.
I don't even know what to say.
Except - so there. You wanna talk about how I don't suck? - Read that. Every one of you.

I'm so upset. That made me more upset then you could probably imagine.

...

Alright. I had the intention of writing about something else...
And, honestly, I couldn't wait to write about it. Because in my absolutely terrible second half of day... it was the one of the only bright points.

I don't do shows so that I can put it down on my resume. I used to do them for that reason. Once I got into Cruce I stopped doing them for that reason, and started doing them for a better reason. I do it for the character, for the experience. There is a man on Broadway right now who portrays 40 different characters in one show. I haven't even portrayed 40 different characters in my life... but God, would I love to say I could.
Velma is a different person than Maria, or Zaneeta, or Hodel. And because she is her own person, she deserves to be portrayed that way.
In an ideal world I would have been satisfied with my character a long time ago, but I don't live an ideal world. And who the hell am I kidding, I'll never be satisfied ever.
But sometimes it's enough to satisfy someone else.
Sometimes people don't strive to do right by themselves but by others.
Throughout the course of this show I was blessed to have a partner who on stage gave me everything. Without his energy or instant presence my character would be shot to shit. Because so much of her I built around her relationship with him. And because that's the sort of on-stage relationship I've been dealing with, off-stage it's made me admire my partner more and more and more. '
"Sometimes people don't strive to do right by themselves but by others."
Well, that's been my goal. Deep in the depths of me, all I've ever wanted from this show was to do well by my on-stage other half.
After "Cool" tonight, Craig found me and grabbed me and repeated over and over "I am so proud of you."
He said other little things too, but nothing means so much as Craig saying "I am so proud of you."
In my life, those 6 words... that one word... means more to me then anything else.
And I don't care how much my mother has to say about how my character is missing something. I don't care how intimidated I feel by the cast, and I don't care how fake some of them can be, I don't care who says what.
Because tonight - I made Craig proud. And that, to me, is MUCH more then enough.

Anyway.
that's that.
I'm such a pussy.

and i am so glad that i decided to write about that second, becuase i am so much more rationalized over the rejection letter.
::breathes deep:: looks like i just gotta look on the bright side... again.

wanna know something funny...
Everytime I'm backstage and I have to get into "happy mode" i repeat the words "steady relationship" in my head over and over and over again, and that's what gets me so pumped
hahahahahah
i'm too funny.

the inner-workings of my twisted cerebrum.

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 03:18:58 GMT

I know i've begun a terrible habit of copying and pasting song lyrics onto this puppy.
But if you know me - you know that I am a musician. And thus, I spend more time listening to the chords, and the decorative stylings the artist will choose to accompany those chords, rather then the lyrics...

Today I cleaned my room. I popped in Guster, and harmonized with the entire CD like I always do, and I followed it up with a little Ben Folds Five. I wasn't particularly listening to the words, i hadn't really listened to the last song, because i rarely get that far in CD's, and then I heard this...

What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glary random day

It worked almost too well with the chords... the words.
And I liked them, alot. So I stopped being Ashley the musical nerd, and focused on listening to the words. And he sang...
"Here I stand--sad & free
I can't cry and I can't see
What I've done
God...What have I done?"

I swear to god. I almost threw up. It doesn't happen freqeutnly, and I always feel compelled to write about it when it does. I love when music has the power to move me. But I love when words do too.
Maybe that's the little bit of poet I keep hidden in myself. Either way, these words did it. And what's great about words is that you can re-write them... show the world what you've found, read, or heard. You can share it. I'm not about to sit here and write out chord progressions and how their musicality affected me... cause how many of you really care, really?
It's just - Ben.
He's just all of it wrapped up in one.

And it's just...
That song.
Was incredible.
I'm sure if you've heard it before you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Or if you're ever thought to yourself "what have i done" I'm sure you understand just by reading them. But I just... wow.

I did something stupid last night, and something incredible today.

Last night I wrote in my journal, like I usually do. I have one that I will only write in when I feel I have something worth writing, my entries are all short and poetic, then I have the journal I kept when Ryan and I went out. It has ever last detail of everything. Then there was the month when He didn't want me anymore... and I stopped writing, because it had been such a happy journal and I didn't want to ruin it. Then there was the month after we broke up, and one night I was depressed and decided i wanted to die. And I wrote an entry. Well...
I read it.
The whole thing.
Cover to cover.
Good to bad.
Bad to worse.
I read the pages i cried on, the pages i truly believed would be the last pages I would ever write, and I read the pages I used to love reading and re-reading over and over again and again. And it made me so unhappy.
I know I'm happy right now. But I don't think I will ever re-find the happiness i found in december. Maybe I just need the winter to come, or maybe I just need to stop thinking about the past. Well... obviously I need to stop thinking about the past. But it's there. It will always be there, it's the one thing that will never go away.
Sometimes I wish I would have taken myself at my happiest moment and shot myelf in the head. It's amazing the way that I think. I think that the happiest point in a person's life is the perfect point for them to commit suicide. Fucked up - I know. But it's what I think about myself. If you can realize your happiest moment, and if you can honestly say you are not that happy now - you're living wrong. You're not as happy as you have the potential to be, and what's the point? I can't explain what I mean.
Anyway... then today...
I just want to write it because it felt so good to do, that I want to say it. But I'm not going to, because not everyone in the world can accept things as easily as I can. Sometimes people aren't perfect and people have problems... And sometimes they overcome them - like I did today. Just know I made a proud decision that could potentially make me a healthier person in the end.

I've learned that sometimes you just have to suck it up.
True you're not as happy as you were.
True you may never be.
But the chance to make someone else happy, it's enough.
You learn to put others before yourself,
and in the long run you will be happy, and in the longer run you will be satisfied knowing you are not completely self-obsessed.

Alright. Most people probably won't even understand half this entry.
If you didn't - you weren't meant to.
So don't worry about it.

And I'm totally leaving on this note - because it's definately the way I should be leaving...
What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud
Woke up way too late
Feeling hung over and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thing about my old man
It seems that all men
Wanna get into a car and go
Anywhere
Here I stand--sad & free
I can't cry and I can't see
What I've done
God...What have I done
So don't you know I'm numb, man
No I don't feel a thing at all
Cause its all smiles & business these days
and I am indifferent to the loss
I've faith that there's a soul
whose leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is down...
I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
it evaporated...see?

Blind man on a canyon's edge
of a Panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite
That's flying high & random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home
They think I've lost my mind.

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 06:22:06 GMT

You Are Sleeping Beauty

You're most like Sleeping Beauty!

You don't need to even be awake to make a man fall for you.

You love a guy who will be your savior and sweep you off your feet.

You may seem innocent, but once you get comfortable with your man anything can happen.

Which Naughty Disney Character Are You?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Cassie actaully got arielle.
and I actually got sleep beauty.

Maybe it's a sign...

Sarah! Lauren! Stacey!
Take it! Now!

new york city.

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 05:45:06 GMT

Annie says "You see this is why I'd rather be alone."

you don't even have to know what it's about to understand those words. there is no needed pretext, no nothing. all the brilliance in one ridiculously simple line. and that's all it needs.

i like ben folds alot.
he's a good fellow.

the city was so good today...
a 2 hours theater chat with megan doyle.
a casual run in with brian safran and jason garrison.
tickets to an off-broadway show.
Edward Albee's "The Zoo Story" and "The Sandbox".
Guster's "Goldfly" for me and my best friend.
Seafood alfredo and unlikely meeting of co-workers.
our outrageous makeup applications at Sephora.
(who knew bright green eye shadow could actually work)
a hysterical performance of a great show with great people by my side... my right side to be exact.
followed with an overtired train ride home featuring the re-enactments of post and pre beakup fights and breakups.

and!
a realization!
this career choice - was probably the most retarted "career choice" i could have possibly made. and no matter how many times i acknowledge that fact. i still want to do it. i am retarted? i must be retarted.

i must be.

stealing quizes...

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 13:47:20 GMT

Friends

Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: 90% of them.

Who is your best friend?: Sarah, the purple and turqoise points to the triad.

Who's the one person that knows most about you?: Chris

What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: i don't know.

Your favorite inside joke?: As of late? "In a Big Way" (though that's very much an outside joke.)

Thing you're picked on most about?: spacing out.

Who's your longest known friend?: Sarah

Newest?: David, Crystal, PEA, Jeff, Catie

Shyest?: Jeff

Funniest?: Andrew

Sweetest?: Catie

Closest?: Sarah, Brett

Weirdest?: hmm...

Smartest?: David, Chris

Ditziest?: I'd love to say Sarah right here... but I think we all know that I'm the ditziest person I've ever met.

Friend you miss being close to: Chris, Cassie.

Last person you talked to online?: Tom

Who do you talk to most online?: Tom, David

Who are you on the phone with most?: After all this time... Dave Chen is still the answer to that question.

Who do you trust most?: Sarah, L.h., Stace.

Who listens to your problems?: David, PEA, Sarah... hah.

Who do you fight most with?: Brett - hands down. (love you)

Who's the nicest?: The lovely L.H. most def.

Who's the most outgoing?: Brett

Who's the best singer?: I feel like I should just have the balls enough to answer this question because no one else did. Sure we're all in the music program but we're all also entitled to an opinion. Cassie is the best singer I know.

Who's on your shit-list?: Well normally I would say the ensemble (minus Chels and Courtney) of the teen production... but I never have to see any of them again, so I really don't care enough to say that, so no one.

Who's your second family?: I don't know that I nessecarily have one.

Do you always feel understood?: Rarely.

Who's the loudest friend?: JAMES PEA (in a BIG way)

Do you trust others easily?: it all depends on who they are, and what i'm trusting them with.

Who's house were you last at?: Catie Fil's!! And I already miss it. Talk about gorgeous!

Name one person who's arms you feel safe in.: Chris

Do your friends know you?: Some of them do.

Friend that lives farthest away:: Steve (AS OF NOW) But then once all you shits leave me it'll be... oh wait... it'll still be Steve. heh. oops.

That's a dumb question to end a survey on.

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 04:55:18 GMT

thank you cast of west side.
it's been quite an experience.
i wish you all the best of luck in your theatrical endeavors.

in a big way.

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 15:36:33 GMT

I don't care much,
Go or stay,
I don't care very much
Either way.

Hearts grow hard
On a windy street.
Lips grow cold
With the rent to meet.
So if you kiss me,
If we touch,
Warning's fair,
I don't care
Very much.

I don't care much,
Go or stay,
I don't care very much
Either way.

Words sound false
When your coat's too thin
Feet don't waltz
When the roof caves in
So if you kiss me,
If we touch,
Warning's fair,
I don't care very much.

how gorgeous is that song?
it's like... the most gorgeous song ever.
it's like my number 3 favorite song of all time.
in all seriousness.

i think it's my new outlook on life too.
it's so like... honest.

yes. definately.

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 14:29:56 GMT

i had a dream last night that val and chris made me ride the 'chinese dragon' and i almost died. and when i woke up my heart was bursting out of my chest in a big way. it was scary...

...in a big way.

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 17:34:02 GMT

i'd like to say
that all things considered, i have been in a good mood lately.
i showed up today, facing two west side story's in a row (one completed) with a smile on my face, eager and ready.
but words will never express how much i hate the person who needs to create drama everywhere they go. that kind of person unerves me in ways you could probably never understand.
i admit many a time, i have fallen into the trap of complaints... i have once or twice in my life uttered a complaint as to the casts behavior or their lacking in the technical department. but when you show up to everything, and i mean everything, with a complaint about your health, or about how tired you are you know you have a problem.
if you're tired - go to sleep.
if you're pissed - cool down.
if you're sick - throw up and get it out of your system.
because when the only position your body can form is sitting in a chair hunched over with your hands on your head, you have a problem.
all it is is drama.
and drama is so ridiculous.
drama is probably the only reason i can't wholly enjoy the theater, well, drama and really gorgeous men - being gay.
i've had my share of headaches, i've had my share of being nauseous, and i've found myself quite tired and over worked and times, and for as bitchy as i may be once in a while (which i apologize for) i will not do that stupid drama thing... because guess what... it's just dramatic.
and drama is stupid.
so stop.

and now i'm done.
i saw a car today that was shaped like a penis.
it was so funny.
ahh the little things. i love it.
i really love life.
it's just easier to smile.
it takes more effort to be unhappy... so why waste all that effort, really? i mean.. really.

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 18:56:27 GMT

*The \\*
Last Cigarette:	never had one.
Last Alcoholic Drink:	i had a sip of my dads white wine last night... ooh... naughty.
Last Car Ride:	the way home from tom's house in the new beemer.
Last Kiss:	yesterday.
Last Good Cry:	the morning after main stage west side story - midway through "mom's assesment of my performance"
Last Library Book:	The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Last book bought:	The Bell Jar (haha)
Last Book Read:	The Death and Life of Sylvia Plath (hahahahaha... wait... I swear I read other authors - I swear!)
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	The Notebook
Last Movie Rented:	Secret Window
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	Twat
Last Beverage Drank:	Orange Juice and Pink Lemonade
Last Food Consumed:	Crepes
Last Crush:	I'm not going to bother.
Last Phone Call:	Probably Sarah.
Last TV Show Watched:	True Hollywood Story - Meg Ryan
Last Time Showered:	Literally 3 minutes ago
Last Shoes Worn:	Black Flip Flops
Last CD Played:	Guster
Last Item Bought:	A yellow shirt for Velma.
Last Download:	The Theme to Platoon (it's gorgeous, you should all download it)
Last Annoyance:	kosher sausage
Last Disappointment:	Craig not seeing mainstage opening night... not that i acutally care.
Last Soda Drank:	Diet Coke from Wendy's
Last Thing Written:	"not too much, you?" (to David)
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epiph all you like...

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 04:49:23 GMT

i wish the world were sexless.

i wish we weren't dealing with penis's and vagina's, or estrogen and testosterone.

when you fall for someone you fall for the person, not the apendige, am i correct?

it's not "oh god, what a great vagina that girl is." I am not my sex organ. I am a human being like any other straight, gay or bisexual human being.

i always said i thought bisexuals were the smartest human beings as long as they had the right approach.
i always said i would always be completely straight.

but are we really completely straight, any of us?
given enough thought and enough pressure can't any of us like someone alittle bit more then god, or the public thinks we should.
i think we're all just about as straight as a bunch of circles.

i hate morals.
i hate the idea that any sort of human is better then any other sort.
i hate the fact that homosexuality is a sin. (i'm not gay). but i absolutely hate it.

i don't know how to make life altering decisions.
girls? boys? god? atheism?
i do not know what i am.
i'm young though ya know?

i mean -deep down it's quite clear...
i am marrying a man, i'm having a small house with a picket fence and cats.
but right now. i am 16. who the fuck cares what i do, or who i do.

and who the fuck's bright idea was it to invent sexes.

if we didn't have sexes - if there was just one generic sex, chances are i would have been fucking cassie a long time ago. and i could very well have at one time dated one of the gay men i so richly desire.
you can't honestly tell me i'm wrong.
homophobics couldn't be homophobic because there would be nothing to be phobic of.
closeted homosexuals would have no problem reavling themselves because there would be nothing to closet.

this entry is probably more controversial then my little naive brain could comprehend.

i guess in the end.
we all know i'm straight.

but i would love to be a gay man so that i could fuck patrick, or joey, or micheal.
much as i would love to be a lesbian so that i could fuck simone.

that's my peace.

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 05:31:38 GMT

if you love me...

if you really truly honestly love me...

you will come and see this show tomorrow.

if not tomorrow then another time this weekend.

ok.

thanks.

don't read too much into it

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 07:52:35 GMT

I have to say...

I always knew this was going to happen.

I haven't even been told what's going on, but I know exactly what's happening and I knew it would happen a very long time ago.

But right now... I can't help but be content for everyone involved.

Content knowing that sooner or later, everyone learns their lessons. We always do.

I have.

That's right. I'm the 3rd party. That insignificant thing that, yup, did in fact occur (however insignificant i may have been). But I have to say for myself - it's been inside me, he's been inside me too, in lots of ways - whether he cares to admit it or not.
But right now, all I can do is be content for everyone getting what was coming to them. This time it's not about me.

But then, looking back, it wasn't even about me when it was about me.

I was just a 4 month filler. I rarely mean anything to anyone - but I've learned my lesson.

Someone as beautiful as Cassie House or Kaitlyn Weeks will mean something to the world. Someone like me is that easily manipulated and brutilzed individual who won't ever really find someone who cares enough to actually mean it.

I used to think. Well fuck... I walked into this with the choice between a best friend and a boyfriend, and walked out of it with neither... doesn't that suck for me?

Then, I watched as two people who had everything in common but a difference in one short... Napoleanic sort of boy... come together to create one of the most beautiful friendships I have ever seen.
But when it comes down to it...
Though we say it over and over again

Friendship does not triumph in this day and age.

In Kaitlyn I have actually established a very nice frienship, and I will be happy for her no matter what she's up to ;).
But I can't say I don't sympathise with those who find that a hard thing to do.
What's funny is that... I feel so sefl-concious about writing any of this... I feel like... I wasn't ever involved with any of this why am I bothering.
But the thing is... I was actually Ryan's girlfriend believe it or not, I was actually Cassie's best friend believe it or not, and I didn't think I had a right to speak my mind about any of the situation when I was with him. Though looking back, I am "the mistake" I am, something that "seems like a horrible dream". I'm going to force you back into reality and make you face that fact that I did exist - by actually stating what I have to say (however irrelevant it my be).
I have actually probably been in the same exact position as everyone invovled in the mess, but one. The guy.

Really, I wonder what it must be like to be able to have the guy the got away... come back.
Lord knows it will never happen to me.

But frankly the guy redeeming his lost girl, is the only thing I have that even comes close to that.

Everything at some point or another is bound to come to an end.
One day I'll wake up and I will be living on my own, far from my parents.
One day I'll realize I haven't spoken with my best friend from Middle School since I was in 6th grade.
One day I'll loose a job.
One day I'll face another break up.
One day I won't. And one day I won't wake up, and guess what...
Neither will you.

Ryan Makely said today "Don't read too much into it"
When I talk to my mom about those things that have nothing to do with me she says "college will be the best thing that ever happened to them".

I promise right here - I'm going to be happy for everyone no matter what is actually happening.
I will be happy for the boy who broke my heart more by claiming I was a mistake then by leaving me in the first place because I know for a fact this is all making him very happy.
I will be happy for the girl who has enough love inside of her body to return to the boy who got away... from all 3 of us at one point.

Most importantly I will be happy for the girl who I have and always will loved for being so bold. Because I have faith that somewhere there is a method to her madness.
There just can't not be.

I guess I've done enough speaking about things that although probably should have at least a little bit to do with me in all actuality have almost nothing to do with me at all. Heh. That's kind of depressing.

I just kind of wish for a second someone else who was wrapped in our (and by our I mean... not mine, because i'm not actually involved in anything) square of... bull shit... knew what it was like to be the mistake.

Pfft.

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 06:39:42 GMT

It's definately 2:07.
I definately have a huge headache.
And I definately don't see myself falling asleep anytime soon.

Today at rehearsal the costume lady said the following words to me...

"You're Velma in mainstage and Maria in the teen show?

God Bless You."

It's words like that that make this whole thing worth it.
And this is the first time throughout the entire rehearsal process I have heard words like that.

I know I can't dance. I'm not dumb.
I used to be relatively optomistic about the way the cast viewed me. I know I would express my concerns, but deep down I thought maybe one or two of the adult members might actually find me a bit talented.
But it has become quite clear that I am the worst dancer in this cast.
It's not even like the sort of thing where I even wanted to bother to mention it to anyone or ANYTHING but i felt the need to vent a little bit. Because it's not even a question to me anymore - to this cast I am a useless lump of fat that does incorrect stag leaps. And that's just the way of things.
But I'm not going to complain about the shows... nothing.
I'm cool with the hours. I'm cool with not sleep, and stuff. I love the stage and I am so blessed to be on it. That's what I care about.
I just wish people could recognize the harder work of the people around them. I feel so proud to be invloved with those in our mainstage cast who shed not a complaint over anything here or there.
But it seems that every teen has something to complain about.
If you don't want to be there - go home... it'll tighten up the dance numbers. :) just kidding.

I just wish I were more adequate for the mainstage cast.
I was talking to Crystal about how I don't want to do teen shows anymore. But then... in a mainstage show everyone is actually talented...
hahaha... unlike yours truly.

We deserve for this show to come out really well. We've been working hard. And we deserve an audience too, so come and see it. August 6-29. (Teen performances the 8th, 11th, 14th, 15th)

And just so you're aware if you do make it down.
God didn't make me to dance, he made me to sing. I'm sorry!

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 02:51:36 GMT

My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

so true, so true.

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 12:52:26 GMT

i'm trying to discard my generally disgruntled disposition.

last night... made that so easy.

josh. LH. me.

it was a heaven sent kind of night.

how beautiful is jones beach?

how beautiful is josh?

How beatiful is

l a u r e n h o u d e k ?

if there is one person in this world i would have no problem spending the rest of my life with...
::sigh::

alright. i have 13 hour rehearsal today. so... i should shower, and then leave. today is going to be a tiring day. but hopefully it will be spiff-less.

in other news.

I'm Daisy in Mainstage 'Biloxi Blues'.

And for as much as i'm excited - i'm petrified, because it's me, and then everyone else is like... 30.
eek.

alright. well. i love sarah. k buh bye.

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 01:52:35 GMT

it's funny... i'm funny ya know...

of all the things in the world i could possibly do right now... i want to run away from home and leave a note that says the following...

i have no sympathy for you. i've gone 16 years without any serious problems. i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs, i get good grades, i'm a well rounded individual, i've never snuck out, i've never done something completely irrational, and it's never been mentioned. but you can punish me for such ridiculous things as not cleaning a bathroom. i deserved this. i deserve a chance to breath. i'm not coming home.

i've discovered a new level of frustration. i haven't said a word in the last hour. but inside of my head i am literally screaming at myself.
it all began with brett's complete loss of enthusiam which made me upset to no end. it grew with sarah not being able to do me one favor for west side story, not that i was pissed i had to do it, cause i didn't care about doing it, i just cared that she couldn't give me that curtosy. and this frustration of mine has reached it's heightened state with my mother, refusing to allow me to do anything tonight because i haven't cleaned the bathrooms yet.
I clean the bathrooms every week.
Generally she asks me to do it on a wednesday or thursday and i won't get around to it until friday or saturday... but it always gets done. and by "done" i mean spotless. I don't do a crap job at it, i clean every last peice of feces and everylast smidge of soap scumb off of ever crevice. and the woman literally grounded me for the night for putting it off.
I don't understand why my parents feel so inclined to make me feel like shit day in and day out. I don't understand why i have never been given any credit for anything I've done ever.
Do you know what it's like to live in a house where no one is proud of anything you have ever done ever?
Do you know what it's like to live in a house where no one understands how to love anything let alone each other.

I need a rebellion.

That.
Or a screwdriver through my skull.

I'm fucking done...

with the entry

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 13:44:24 GMT

i'm cutting my hair.